Should I Ever?
by Geekiness-Is-LOVE
Summary: Things you should most likely never ask of the Harry Potter characters. Plenty of laughs, all of my own invention. Request the next character to be written about! R & R!
1. Voldemort

**A/N: Just something humorous I wanted to try. Review please!**

1. Ask Voldemort, "I'm sorry, do you use Anti-Wrinkle Cream, or is that the whole; I'm an immortal Dark Lord thing?"

2. Tell Voldemort Dumbledore's gay. Say, "If you're real nice to him, maybe he'll let you win."

3. Ask whether Voldemort himself is gay. He was pretty hot when he was younger, but never ever had a girlfriend. Curious…Curious…

4. If you aren't dead after asking about his sexuality, mention the fact that Bellatrix finds Voldemort, "Sexy."

5. Ask Voldemort, "Do you wrinkle? I know you're immortal and all, but I'm finding L'Oreal just isn't working for me."

6. Ask him, "What sunscreen do you use? And also, have you ever thought about spray tan?"

7. Ask him how he gets rid of freckles. "Lemon juice or what?"

8. Convince him to give his shampoo to Severus Snape. It's for a good cause and it's not like he uses it anyway.

9. Tell Voldemort you think Harry has more fan girls because he can love. Tell him girls usually go for sweet and caring, not creepy and albino.

10. Tell him you really think he has pianist's fingers. "I really think we should get you some lessons Voldy, you have pianist's fingers."

**Should this be a series thing??? I was thinking of letting you choose which character I should do next. So getting thinking and request someone in your review!!!**


	2. Professor McGonagall

**A/N: Hey, This is McGonagall. Please review with another request!!! Any character, any at all. Your wish is my command!!!!**

1. Greet McGonagall with, "What's new, pussycat?"

2. Ask if she and Dumbledore had a 'special' student-teacher relationship.

3. Ask if she enjoyed dancing with Ronald "boy toy" Weasley. (This one is from the movie. Ron is younger than Hermione, and McGonagall, so…)

4. Ask if she wears her emerald green hat when she and Dumbledore "do the naughty."

5. Then run away really really quickly.

6. If you're not dead by now, kudos!

7. Leave her and Petunia Dursley in a room together and take bets on who comes out alive.

8. Leave her and Umbridge in a room together and take bets on who comes out alive.

9. Steal her glasses.

10. Give them back to her and continuously mock her, giving her the title "Four-Eyes."

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!!!**


	3. Luscious, er, I mean, Lucius Malfoy

**A/N: Alright, XAPY-TZINY-IIOZEINTON-NOAT, how was this??? I love you very muchly for faithfully reviewing each chapter. Please, review this one and request another character!!!**

Refer to him as Luscious Mouthful. Then run away, really really fast, and make sure to dodge his cane.

If you're still alive, question him as to whether it's a pimp cane.

Steal aforementioned pimp cane off of him, and whack him on the butt with it every time he walks past you.

Ask if you can curl and braid his hair for him.

Ask what shampoo he uses, "Really, Lucius, you must share your secret! Your hair is simply … Luscious."

Run away, very fast. Run to his wardrobe and dye his Death Eater robes bright pink, with "HP rules" emblazoned across the chest in gold.

Tell him blonde jokes and see how he reacts.

Wait for said reaction and smile, condescendingly saying, "It's alright, Luscious, at least you'll always be pretty."

Then run.

Sign him up to audition for a shampoo commercial. Run.

**Reviews are muchly appreciated! Thanks also to unhealthyaddict, who reviewed the last chappie. Any requests, my darling???**


	4. Harry Potter

**A/N: I thought it time to do one for Harry, seeing as he is the main character of the series. This one's for you, Potter!!!**

When Harry is telling you something super important you have to do (i.e. find Ravenclaw's lost diadem,) snort and say, "Jeez! Who died and made you the boss?"

Call him Four-Eyes and make fun of the fact he wears glasses.

Stare at his scar. Then continuously ask, "Is it tingling? Is it now? What about now?"

Poke the scar and tell him that the scar has nothing to do with the fact that he was hit with a Killing Curse. It's just a really interesting birthmark.

Tell Myrtle Harry is secretly in love with her. Then sit back and enjoy the show.

Tell him boys more go for the "bad-boy" image. Then give him an example such as Draco Malfoy.

Cut holes out of his Invisibility Cloak.

Ask him whether his Potter-sense is tingling.

Claim you are the Chosen One and he's simply an impostor.

Wear a Death Eater mask on Halloween and jump out at him. When he freaks out take off the mask and say, "Jeez, potter! Take a chill pill, dude. Relax!"

When he tells you its kind of hard to relax when you have to defeat Voldemort, ask him quiet politely how far that pole got shoved up his ass.

**I had to do an extra one for this! It was too hard to resist! Review please!!!! Any requests?????**


	5. Draco Malfoy

**A/N: Here's another. Draco Malfoy!!! Requests are welcomed, loved, actually!!!!**

One from Peaches Naughty Cream: Aren't you that girl from Sam I Am? Damn, you grew up. (LOL, I had to put that one in here.)

Ask him, "Are you comfortable with the fact your father may be a closet cross dresser? Though I suppose you should be grateful you inherited his amazing hair."

Tell him you thought he looked better as a ferret. Watch him react to that bait.

Ask him why all the fan girls like Harry better.

Also tell him dumb blonde jokes.

Hide all his hair products, and then tell him it was you. And run.

Draw a scar on his forehead while he is sleeping.

Whenever you see him flying on his broom, squint, point and shout, "It's a bird! It's a plane! No … it's the amazing flying ferret!"

Send him some tanning lotion for his birthday. Tell him of he wants to be generous he can share it with Voldemort.

Dangle ferret treats in front of his face, cooing, "Here, boy! Come one, now!"

**Reviews and requests, please!!!**


	6. Bellatrix Lestrange

**A/N: Bellatrix now!!!**

_Thanks to Peaches Naughty Cream for:_

Were you born crazy or does falling in love with a bat-shit crazy snake faced  
paedophile do that to a person?"

"You know Voldemort's gay right?" Then, I suggest you duck the Cruciatus Curse that is most definitely sailing your way.

Telling Bellatrix that Voldemort is gay could end in one of two ways, One: she  
kills you or Two: she scoffs, calls you stupid and stalks off to investigate.  
Which would be interesting to watch.

_Now, these are mine:_

Ask, "How's you relationship with Voldie-poo going?" She's sure to break down and cry about how he never does anything for her and she feels worthless. You will then host an amateur psychology session. Fun. Especially when a psychopathic crazy Bellatrix Lestrange is involved.

Bring up her cousin, Tonks, and Lupin the werewolf incessantly, raving about how amazing they are and what-not.

Tell her that you heard Voldemort tell Peter Pettigrew that he was a better death Eater than she is. Watch her murder Pettigrew and suck up to Voldemort, all within the space of a few minutes.

Mention the fact that she could really use some Vitamin D, because she's looking really sickly. Run.

Tell her you'll take her shopping sometime, because her look is getting far too Gothic/Emo. Consequently, run.

Insult and jeer at her, constantly mentioning the fact that you think Muggles are better than her.

Steal her wand. I've heard that annoys her. Steal her wand and imitate her, doing the crazy squealing and laughing, all the while threatening to torture her.

**That's Bellatrix for you. Not as good as my other ones, I will admit that, though, thanks to Peaches Naughty Cream for her contribution!**

**Dumbledore next, anyone???**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!!**


	7. Albus Dumbledore

**A/N: Dumbledore now, and Umbridge next!!! I've noticed this has pretty much turned into a collaborative thing with Peaches Naughty Cream, so thank you very much!!! **

**Also, Peaches Naughty Cream: To keep it a surprise, PM me anything you come up with so that we can keep it a secret until I update again. Sound good????**

Ask him what his feelings for men are. Then ask him what his feelings for Voldemort are.

When he gives you some fobbing off answer like, "Love knows no bounds," snort and say, "Yes, but how does that relate to Harry's cool ass lightning scar?"

Give him a rainbow coloured T-shirt that reads "Pride" to wear over his robes. Watch as everyone reacts.

_The next three are Peaches Naughty Cream's: _

Tell him you wrote "Gandolf" on the die of his tomb.

Convince him to wear Count Chocula tee shirts.

Steal all his candy and plant it in Snape's room. Run up to him while screaming, "THAT SKEEZY LITTLE DEATH-EATER WAS THROWING JELLY TOTS AND SKITTLES AT ME!" Watch the fun ensue.

_Mine again: _

Or alternatively, steal all of his lemon drops and hide them, watching as he slowly goes more insane and curls up in a corner of his study, rocking backwards and forwards, reduced to a blubbering mess because of withdrawal symptoms from sugar.

Tell him Voldemort's gay as well. See what happens.

Tell him Voldemort is gay and Grindelwald had a closet affair with him, while best "friends" with Dumbledore. See how quickly he breaks his, "Harry has to the one to finish him off," rule THEN.

Alternatively, if you don't like the whole, "Dumbledore's gay" thing, ask if McGonagall keeps her hat on while she and him "do the naughty."

**Thank you, Peaches Naughty Cream! Request anyone you want in your review!!!**


	8. Dolores Umbridge

**A/N: Who next??????? This is Umbridge!**

Imitate her coughing. "Hem-hem," quietly every time she opens her mouth.

Tell her that no one likes her "bling" (Slytherin's locket.) Tell her everyone thinks it looks tacky and cheap.

Smash her kitten plates.

Dye all her stupid pink suits black, and tell her you wanted her to go for a less preppy look.

Confiscate her wand. She isn't allowed to do "real defensive magic."

Then leave her at Malfoy Manor without her wand.

Put her in front of McGonagall and tell them they have to fight to the death. Take bets on who'll win.

Get Professor Trelawney to predict a very dark future for her.

Tell the centaurs that she was slagging them off at the Ministry of Magic.

Tell Umbridge that Dumbledore was slagging her off in the Great Hall in front of everyone.

**Review!!!! Who next?????**


	9. Hermione Granger

**A/N: Hermione now!!! Who next?????????????????????????????**

Hide her school books and tell her she has to have actual for fun for the next three days.

Make jokes about how she's permanently PMS'ing.

Tell her Ron and Lavender have secretly been hooking up behind her back.

Steal her copy of Hogwarts: A History.

Put her and Draco Malfoy in a room together. Take bets on whether they'll kill each other or end up in a passionate whirlwind romance.

Dye one of her eyebrows yellow without her knowing.

Show Luna.

Lock her and Luna in a room together. Take bets on whether Hermione will come out a convert to the religion of Crumpled Horned Snorkaks.

Dye her hair red and introduce her and Ron as twins the next time you meet someone new. Look at how disturbed they are and see if it kills off the romance. (**Sorry guys, I ship Dramione.)**

Tell her McGonagall stuffed up her subjects and she didn't make it to N.E.W.T. level Arithmancy. Run away.

**All of my own invention this time!!! Review please!!! Requests????**


	10. Ron Weasley

**A/N: Ron now!!! Who next, though?????**

Tell him that Lavender hit her head and is under the delusion that they're  
still dating, convince Hermione to watch the show with you.

Ask him if he had sexual relations with Harry, use only official words and  
deadpan tones when describe said relationship.

Tell him that Hermione kind of looks like a Ginny, but with brown hair.

Ask if he gave Hermione 'Fire Crotch Fever'.

Lock him and Pansy Parkinson in the closet together, yell at them at through  
the door that they either need to have a wild passionate fling or a  
fangirl/sidekick showdown.

Two Words: Spider Invasion.

Engage Hermione in a very serious very extensive discussion about sex right in  
front of him, get Malfoy to join in for the hell of it and refuse to let Ron  
join in or leave.

Make him seven different sweaters just like the ones his mum makes and force him to wear a different one for every day of the week.

Snap his wand in half. We all know how he hates that.

Get Hermione to kiss Harry on a dare, only a metre away from Ron. Run.

**Who next???? Reviews please!!!!!**


	11. Neville Longbottom

**A/N: Neville now!!! Who next???**

Tell Neville that Bellatrix has gone a different kind of crazy and became a  
prostitute and wants Neville to be her pimp.

Ask him where the loony bin is at.

Follow him around singing "My Neck, My Back" by Khia as loud as possible.

Attempt to confront him with your 'woman problems'. Note: Much more effective/disturbing if you're a guy.

Ask him very loudly in front of as many people as possible why he never called  
you back after the first date. Note: Also much more effective if you're a  
guy.

Smack his ass and tell him it's okay because ass smacking is the new hand-shake.  
Note: Yet again, much more effective if you're a guy.

Tell him that his mom cheated on his dad and Snape is actually his father.

Poke him repeatedly, each time screaming: "NEEEERD."

Hint that he's forgotten something very important.

Hid Trevor and every time he asks you something pretend to be engrossed in poking his Mimbulus Mibletonia.

**Who next??? Luna???**


	12. Sirius Black

**A/N: It has been forever, my darlings! I was not inspired for humour really, so I kept putting this off. Then PeachesNaughtyCream sent me this. These are all her's. We found it hard to do Luna, so that one will come up eventually when I have enough time to think about it! But enjoy the Sirius one!**

1. Remind him that he escaped Azkaban, Outwitted the Ministry, and was killed by  
drapery.

2. Ask him if the real reason he was mean to Snape was sexual frustration.

3. When he's in dog form jump on his back and scream "Giddy up horsey!"

4. Bark every time he tries to talk.

5. Lock him in a room with Bellatrix. Take bets on who will come out alive.

6. Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber on repeat.

7. Ask him how much he loves The New Kids on The Block.

8. Ask him if he ever 'met' that guy from Wham, if he has no idea how you're talking about then explain the oh-so lulzy story.

9. Attempt to get him to 'Party Boy' dance with you.

10. Play grab ass with Harry right in front of him.

11. Get Harry drunk.

12. Discuss very loudly about how Sirius is quite possibly gay with Hermione while Sirius is in the same room.

13. Refuse to let him touch any and all alcohol.

**Fred next, I think? **

**~Reviews are very muchly appreciated~ (They break the monotony of life in a mental asylum) JUST KIDDING! JOKES EVERYONE!**


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